I’m excited.  So very, very excited.  Hollywood is rebooting not just one, but TWO IPs soon.  Not only that, they are gender-swapping the lead characters from both.

Can you see just how very excited I am?

Let’s get the most painful one out of the way first.  The Evil Dead.  Some idiot somewhere in Hollywood thought it would be a good idea to reboot The Evil Dead.  Without Same Raimi.  Worse, without Ash.

I’m not much of a horror movie aficionado, but there are exceptions, and the Evil Dead trilogy is one of them.  And, sorry not sorry, Ash IS Evil Dead.  The franchise rests on his shoulders.  Without Bruce Campbell’s Ash under the direction of Sam Raimi, The Evil Dead is just another quasi-zombie flick.  Raimi and Campbell took that idea and turned it into the funniest horror movie (or scariest comedy) this side of An American Werewolf in London.  It’s hard to imagine jumping out of your seat in fear while simultaneously laughing hysterically, but thanks to Raimi’s bizarre vision and Campbell’s hair-brained bravado, that’s exactly what happens.  The two of them reinvigorated a genre that was getting very old and tired.  Once you’ve seen it, you will never forget the fight between Ash and his severed, possessed hand.  Who, at that time, would ever have thought of such a thing, let alone the one-fingered salute made by that member to Ash.

But Raimi and Campbell/Ash are gone, man, solid gone.  The king is dead, baby, and with them went all that insane energy.  In their place we have director Lee Cronin and Lily Sullivan as Beth.

Beth?  Yes, Beth.  Heavy sigh.

Check out the trailer.  Gone is the trademark gallows humor that graces nearly all of Raimi’s best work.  Gone, too, is the goofy, manic intensity of Campbell.  Now we have three women (two sisters and a daughter) crammed into the close confines of a run-down, inner-city apartment working through relationship issues.  You read that right, relationship issues.  I’m not kidding.  Check this out from IMDB: “A twisted tale of two estranged sisters whose reunion is cut short by the rise of flesh-possessing demons, thrusting them into a primal battle for survival as they face the most nightmarish version of family imaginable.”  I guess one of the sisters ran afoul of the evil dead, but, sadly, only one.  It doesn’t look a bit like the wild free-for-all that was the hallmark of the original trilogy.

The Evil Dead has been completely emasculated.  There’s not a whiff of testosterone on this set, baby.  This is all about girl power.  Evil Dead: Rise needs men like a fish needs a bicycle.  Somehow, they work a chainsaw into the urban mix, but even without watching more than the trailer, I guarantee that the girl power setup (below)

simply won’t be anywhere near as groovy as Ash’s rig.

Once again, we see the creative bankruptcy of the mainstream media complex.  Incapable of coming up with something new and interesting, they take a once successful IP, gender swap a few characters, and foist it onto the public, hoping to cash in on the faithful fans without knowing what made them fans in the first place.  Yes, there are plenty of genre fans that may show up for the gore and supernatural horror, but Evil Dead fans?  I have my doubts.  I certainly won’t be there.

So hail to the king.  We miss you, Ash.